Gratitude

In this day and age gratitude can be a strange concept. I have a problem with gratitude sometimes.

I remember being told to be grateful for things I hated as a teenager. I wasn't grateful for my private school education, because it was about conformity, punishment and humility and not learning or developing an understanding of self. I wasn't grateful for the safe suburbs I lived in, because I didn't know my neighbors, I couldn't get around without a car, I hated being stuck in traffic, and it pained me to see fields and forests being swallowed by cheap an uninspired housing developments. I didn't enjoy the ingrained and systematic sexism and racism in our society. I wasn't grateful for many of the clothes and tech toys I had, because my father's sucessful business tore my family apart when I was 6. My mother went back to work, and I was always alone going to and coming home from school. Presents seemed to be a conditional kind of love, based around grades, performance, and me performing a version of what I was supposed to be. Speaking of being unhappy about those things made me an angry, ungrateful, strange and sullen girl to many people. I had an "attitude problem" that people kept trying to adjust.

Yes, I know. There are people worse off. There is war. There is famine. There is poverty. I am grateful to not be in those positions. I thank God I was given a position of power and privilege.

But it's that same thankfulness for power and privilege that makes me buck off the chains of war of mind, of famine of love, for poverty of the soul. I'm not always grateful for surface items. Maybe it's romantic, dramatic, or a sign I was a prepubescent girl obsessed with horses, but I always felt I was fighting against the bridle of an unworthy master. The suburban culture I grew up in was about wanting more, about appearances over soul, was about judgement over acceptance, it was about financial success at the cost of much else. The times when I bought into that culture were my most low, my most lonely, my most unhealthy. I wanted more, when what I needed was enough.

I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright.
I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun more.
I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive.
I wish you enough pain so that the smallest joys in life appear much bigger.
I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting.
I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess.
I wish enough Hello's to get you through the final Goodbye.

I'm grateful for the people who showed me that what I had grown up knowing was not the only way. I'm grateful for all the strange events and special characters that pulled me back from a life of want to a life of purpose. I am thankful for all those who came before me who worked for freedom, love and equality. For the protection of the world that we come from. My gratitude is not just words. Our western culture revolves around the importance of words and not actions. In the Church praying for the end of slavery, instead of purchasing fair trade is more important. Saying you are grateful for the food on your plate is more important then protecting farm land. We are a culture that loves animals, floral and other natural motifs on our clothing and decorations, but often those clothing and manufactured items destroy the real animals. We pump oil for future success and security, while at the same time harming the basics of what life needs. Air, food, water.

I am thankful I was given the ability to see what was necessary and what was not. I'm gad I was never turned to be grateful for the things that were presented by society as important, instead of the real basics and foundations of life. I'm grateful for air. I'm grateful for the seasons. I'm grateful for expression. I'm grateful for freedom in its true sense. I'm grateful for the balance of life.

So this year, I am grateful for struggling with gratitude. The things I am grateful for I hold them dear to my heart, not because I was told they had to be, but because I really appreciate and love them. It not a passive gratefulness, but a deeper kind of gratitude. The kind of understanding and caring that only comes from struggle and introspection.



Don't get me wrong, I like the non essential things like dancing, getting dressed up to go out, cool tech gadgets, fun vacations, fancy cocktails, fine dinners, and cool clothes. They are the frosting on the cake of life. I just vow to never let the frosting destroy the cake.... because in the end, frosting is pretty and great and all, but its usually also whats left over on the plate at the end of the party.